Friday's Rant: Awareness Daze

I have this calendar at my desk – you know the kind – one of those free calendar's you get from a bank or hardware store with a bunch of scenic pictures on it.  Like most calendars, it has all the holidays and “awareness” days in red. Maybe I haven’t looked at a calendar in a while, and maybe it’s a sign of the times, but nearly every day on this calendar is some kind of holiday or “awareness” day.  Seriously.  I mean, if I was to celebrate all of these holidays, I’d never work. Bizzaro world.

We have Administrative Professional’s Day (sounds like something that was once called “Secretary’s Day” until that became demeaning), the Chinese New Year, something called “Purim” (which was apparently March 10 – so, in case I forgot, Happy Purim!), more standard holidays such as Passover, Good Friday, Easter…Cinco De Mayo, Armed Forces Day, Flag Day and the First day of Shavuot. Ramadan, Patriot Day, Grandparent’s Day, Constitution Day, International Day of Peace (what the…?), Yom Kippur and the first Day of Rosh Hashana. Oh, don’t forget the first Day of Sikkut – Grandma will be pissed if you miss that one – Shemini Atzeret, Simchat Torah, United Nations Day, Columbus Day, Election Day, Veteran’s Day and Thanksgiving. Cap off the year with eight days of Hanukah, Christmas Eve, Christmas, Kwanzaa and New Year’s Eve (P.S. – I’ve skipped a LOT of them). Holy crap.

Maybe what made me take notice of this calendar was all the days were red, but also how stupid all these dumb “awareness” days are. I was reading a while back how our esteemed Governor, Chester J. Culver, stood from the balcony of Terrace Hill, beer can in hand while eating a butter burger, and declared to the world, “I hereby declare March is Flood Awareness Month! Therefore, be aware!” Okay, maybe it didn’t quite happen that way, but March is now Flood Awareness Month.

Seriously, people. If you’re driving to work and the road is flooded. You’re aware. If you live in a flood plain and the river is lapping up against your front porch, you’re aware. If you’re not aware of what this means, you’re about to learn something you can learn no other way. Good luck, FEMA will be there in a week.

Not to belabor the point, but were you aware that March is Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month, National Kidney Month, National MS Month, American Red Cross Month, Mental Retardation Month - along with Save Your Vision Week, National Poison Prevention Week, World Tuberculosis Day and National Patient Safety Awareness Week?

Oh, and my personal favorites…March is also International Listening Awareness Month, Irish-American Heritage (what a bunch of racists – just because St. Patrick’s Day is in March, they automatically assume March should be Irish-American Heritage Month! Let me guess, the logo includes a drunk leprechaun eating Lucky Charms?), National Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Month, National Talk with your Teen about Sex Month, Gender Equality Month, Johnny Appleseed Day, Pulmonary Rehabilitation Week and Universal Human Beings Week.

And don’t forget, March 19 is not only my birthday; it’s also the day for the Great American Meatout. I’m taking that day off and eating a huge steak (take that you rotten vegetarians)!  Now, go buy a Hallmark card and get back to work! 

Breathe in, breathe out and make up your own holiday…this week’s rant is over!