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Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
One Spring Day...
I overheard a guy talking the other day on the phone to his wife or son…not sure. He was getting ready to build a deck. He was talking about how the lumber would be arriving the next day and that it was going to be delivered to the edge of their driveway.
The last thing he said to whomever was that he wants to have it moved into the garage until they could get it built so that the lumber wouldn’t get wet and so “some building inspector doesn’t drive by” and start snooping around.
I have nothing against building inspectors. I have nothing against building codes. What does bother me is that some guy, minding his own business, not hurting anybody, can’t have a pile of lumber sitting on his driveway without being afraid that some government bureaucrat is going to drive by and start asking questions…
Knock, knock, knock…POUND, POUND, POUND.
“Uh, yes…?”
“Hello. I am zee local Federal Building Code Complicance Coordinator for zheees sec-tor of Vest Des Moines. Vhile driving by, vee noticed that you seem to have a pile of lumber stacked in in your drivevay.”
“Uh, yeah. So?”
“Vell, vee seem to have a small problem. I’ve cross-referenced your name, address and phone number against zee Federal Building Code Compliance and Homeland Security Database and you don’t seem to have any Building Permission Authorization Permits pending. Are you avare of zis?
Uhhh…well, I guess, well, maybe I forgo…
Zis is just vhat I suspected! You vere planning on building an unauthorized, unapproved, free standing structure vithout zee approval of zee Federal Building Code Compliance Board! Vee have no other option zhan to confiscated zis lumber and report you to zee Federal Building Code Compliance Board Enforcement Agency. Vonce zheir done vith you, you von’t forget again.
This is crazy!
SILENCE! Under Article Tvelve of zee Federal Building Code Compliance, Security and Infrastructure Stabilization Act, you have zero right to speak! In fact, zee FBCCBEA is on its vay right now to come in and take a little look around. I have no doubt they vill find Rush Limbaugh presets on your radio, zee Drudge Report on your computer and a copy of zee Bill of Rights somewhere in zhis house!
Listen, Mister, I didn’t mean -
Silence, criminal! Zee Dear Leader, Barack Obama, has outlined a new federal program for people like you. If you like to build things so vell, vee have just zee right place for you. You like tropical islands? Vell, vee have just released all of the harmless, innocent terrorists from a little camp in Guantanamo Bay. Zhere is plenty of room for you zhere. Vee can use your strong back and construction skills to build zee new “Federal Building Code Compliance, Re-education and Security Detention Facility.” Ve’ll see how far your leetle Bill of Rights get you zhere.
Vonce ve’re done vith you, you’ll be more zhan ready to help build zee Dear Leader’s new Low Income Housing Casino and Resort. A very lovely place – right in zee heart of Detroit. Come along now!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Happy Birthday, G.I. Joe!
The Iowa Blog Cabin would like to wish the U.S. Army a happy 234th birthday! In case you're doing the math, 234 years ago was 1775.
Read more...Tuesday, May 12, 2009
The Crystal Ball: Chet 2010
Editor's note: This article is our best David Yepsen impression...with an IBC twist.
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Pour another cup of coffee, it's time to talk campaign politics. The Iowa Blog Cabin loves Chet Culver. Not as a Governor, coach, substitute teacher, "big lug," Secretary of State, chief executive or rich frat boy. Chet Culver is the Barney Fife of American governors. He's lovable. Remember Barney? Always screwing stuff up, messing around, dropping his one bullet and needing Andy to step in and save the day. This is Chet Culver.
But who's going to be Andy? This is the topic on top of my mind. Obviously, Chester's running again. The Dems are stuck with him. I was reading the other day about his 42% approval rating...(only a 66% approval among Democrats!)...a good place for a Repubican to start. But we can't read too much into it at this point. There are still 42% of Iowans who think this guy is a good governor.
Let's talk names: Doug Gross, Christopher Rants, Bob Vander Plaats, Rod Roberts, Steve King and Jeff Lamberti.
Doug Gross won't run. Although quite possibly the best candidate (politically), who could raise the most money, etc., he won't run for a single reason...he's chicken. By chicken I mean, and this is just my gut from watching him, he's afraid of losing twice. A guy loses once, no biggie. You can still go on TV, be the "voice" of Republicans, get a lot of media attention, throw your weight around, etc., etc. He likes this. But, if he runs and loses AGAIN, this could diminish him as a media darling. This fear will overcome any desire he has to run.
Christopher Rants...former Iowa House Speaker. He's going to run. And lose. I think there's a lot of Republicans in Iowa who are ready for him to go away, not least of which - the entire editorial board of the IBC. This party exhaustion will doom him from the start.
BVP. How many times has this guy ran? Six? Seven? I can't even remember at this point. He's obviously running...and, just like the other 10 times he's ran, he'll lose. But he'll crack some great jokes about his witty kids.
Rod Roberts. Won't run. Who cares...?
Steve King. This is interesting. I would like to see Culver and King go mano-a-mano. I think it would be fun to watch. King's my Congressman, and I love him. But my suspicion is that he doesn't quite have the tact he needs to run successfully statewide - although I think he could certainly win the nomination if the landscape stays the same. He has a propensity to say some things that blow peoples' hair back (most of which I completely agree with) - the kind of western Iowa plain-speaking that will turn off the eastern Iowa tea-sippers. My prediction is he won't run at all. He's got a nice cushy, safe seat in Congress - even after the Dems get done gerrymandering the districts in a couple years - and hardly needs to raise money.
Which brings us to Jeff Lamberti. I think he'll run. I think he'll get the nomination. I think he'll beat Culver. There, I said it. I was never a huge fan of Lamberti until he ran against Boswell a few years back. If it hadn't been such a nasty year for Republicans, generally, he might very well have won. At the very least he gave Boswell a run for his money. As an observer, he seemed to run a very solid, well organized campaign. He was able to raise money and genuinely compete with Boswell. He'll be able to bring social and fiscal conservatives together and I think most importantly for this upcoming election - he seems very level headed. A "steady hand" at the wheel, so to speak. By the fall of 2010, people are going to be ready to have an adult back in the governor's office.
Obviously, there are a few other names floating around out there. Somebody could easily become a blip on the radar (Vaudt, Northey, etc.). But..Lamberti would be a very solid candidate. Although the IBC is not endorsing Lamberti at this time, if he runs, he'll win.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Moms: A Semi-True Story
Editor's note: The Friday Rant is taking this week off so we can offer you a special, Mother's Day, Semi-true story. Enjoy!
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As I've mentioned before, in 1996, immediately after graduating from high school, a friend and I hopped in my 1990 Chevy S-10 and drove to Alaska. The trip has given me plenty of semi-true stories. One in particular has always stuck with me, and seems especially appropriate, given this weekend is Mother's Day.
We had been driving for exactly one day when it happened. Just outside of the Little Bighorn Battlefield in Montana. We were cruising down I-90 when several Mule Deer jumped across the road and up the hillside. I successfully swerved around all of them - except one. WHAM-O!
I pulled into the parking lot of the Little Big Horn Battlefield and rolled to a stop. Nervously, I looked over at my friend Jason. "This could be the end of the road...Just like Custer." We got out and looked around. I had been going pretty slow (becauase of the deer), so the deer smashed my grill out, bent up the hood and bent in the headlights, but that was about it. My radiator was completely exposed and the headlights could be adjusted, so we were still in business.
We hopped back in and started down the road across Montana. Carefully. Our objective for the day was to drive all the way up to Calgary, Alberta. As we drove we realized we were going to need a grill - something to keep all of the bugs out of the radiator. Before we crossed into Canada, I stoped at a hardware store and bought a roll of mesh window screen to fabricate into a grill.
That night we made it to Calgary, but it rained the whole time. We decided to put on the "new grill" the next night - in Fort St. John, B.C. From Calgary, we drove north through Edmonton and then cut northwest, in the general direction of Alaska. The beauty of the drive can't be understated. We drove all day long and found a small campground on the edge of Fort St. John, B.C. We got all set up for the night. As we sat there eating our dinner we noticed right next to us was this funny little camper. It was a van, actually. But a very strange van/camper combo. As I recall, it looked a lot like one of those old-school aluminum windstream campers, only, a van - everything was very rounded. We sat and talked about how goofy the van was and kind of laughed - only in Canada...
After dinner we went over to the truck and began to "fix" the truck. Up north there are a LOT of bugs. We unrolled the screen and began to screw it into where the old grill had been. It wasn't pretty, but it worked. As we were finishing up, an old guy from the goofy camper next to us walked over and introduced himself. He was a really nice guy - a retired Colonel in the Canadian Air Force, he said. He asked what we were doing and we explained the whole story - George Custer, the deer, Montana and Alaska. He thought it was all pretty cool. He explained to us that he and his wife were on their way to Alaska, too. Just out cruising around in their retirement.
We sat there for a long time talking about stuff - like we'd known each other for a long time. He told us a few old Cold War stories (of which, we had none). Talked about Iowa - I remember he had been to the Air Force base in Bellevue, Nebraska, once. His wife eventually came out of the camper, where she'd been cleaning up from dinner. She was amazed at how "young" we were. I guess we were just a couple baby-faced Iowa guys, fresh out of high school. She made sure that we had plans to call our Mothers and keep them updated on our travels. We promised we would.
We all turned in for the night, got up in the morning, waved good-bye and left the campground. From Fort St. John, we still had another two days of driving before we'd reach Tok, Alaska - just across the border from Canada. Giddy-up.
From Fort St. John, the trip really turns into an adventure. Through the mountains of British Columbia, the forests of the Yukon and, eventually, the Alaska border. We pulled into Tok for the night...we made it.
As we'd been doing for the past week, we pulled out our gear, set up camp and got settled in. I think I had Dinty Moore beef stew that night. It was a forested campground - a KOA, I think. But as I sat there, taking a look at the surroundings, there it was. We had driven over 1,200 miles, since Fort St. John, crossing a good chunk of North America, but that weird old camper was sitting right across from us again. Unbelieveable. It wasn't long before the old Colonel and his wife came walking up the road and noticed us. One of the craziest coincidences of my life...or was it? We welcomed the old Canadian to America and asked them how their trip had been. We talked about the last couple days, everything we'd seen and how tiring it had been.
The old lady asked us if we'd called our Mothers. You could almost see her imagining herself in the same situation - wondering where her kid was. She asked us if we had enough food (we did) and if there was anything we needed (we didn't). You could tell she cared.
At the end of the night, we all went our separate ways, sure we wouldn't ever see each other again. The next morning we were getting all packed up and there she was, coming out of their little camper, walking across the road towards us. In her hands she was carrying two enormous muffins. To this day, I haven't seen anything like them - let alone while I was out camping. She walked up to me and handed me the plate with these two gigantic, piping hot muffins. She wished us luck and we thanked her for the food.
She turned back and said, "Just remember. You can alway get away from your mother. But, you'll never get away from a mother."
True enough.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Flower Power
You know, it's spring. A time when the birds chirp, the grass grows and flowers bloom. All kinds of flowers. In fact, one of my least favorite towns in all the planet - Pella - has their famous festival this weekend: Pella Tulip Time. Wee! Sure, tulips are pretty, but they're a flash-in-the-pan kind of flower. The bottle rocket of the botanical world. SCREEEEECH! BANG! Wow. It's over. That's a tulip for you.
But I think this world needs a festival in honor of the strongest, toughest flower of them all - the dandelion. I kind of see the dandelion as "the workin' man's flower." The Rocky Balboa of flowerdom. You mow it, it comes back - the next day. You pull it, three more replace it. You fertilize. It gets stronger. I'd like to propose the "Dexter Dandelion Daze." A festival that recognizes the generations of oppression that the dandelion has experienced - only to emerge stronger.
We'll sell bouquets of dandelions, dandelion wine, have parades with floats covered with dandelions. We'll import buses packed full of old ladies to buy our stuff - dandelion crafts, a new dessert we'll invent called "Dandelion Letters," and of course celebrate our ethnic heritage. After all, dandelions originated "somewhere in Eurasia." We'll build this festival into the powerhouse of all flower festivals. Perhaps we'll even land our own New Year's Day bowl game!
Then, when they least expect it, we'll sneak into Pella late at night with trash bags full of dandelions - thousands upon thousands of them. We'll then blow them all over town - spreading their seeds far and wide. The tulips will be doomed.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Republiconia Update
You may recall a couple months ago I wrote about my dream for a paradise...A paradise called "Republiconia." In this vision, I mentioned that the states of Texas, Oklahoma and Louisiana would be a nice place to set up this eden of federalism.
Well, it looks like one more piece of the puzzle is coming together down in Oklahoma: "House bypasses governor’s veto to claim Oklahoma’s sovereignty." You may recall that this comes on the heels of the state of Texas doing about the exact same thing last month. Yipee!
A few more pieces of the puzzle left - and Republiconia will be a reality!
Your Mid-Week Quick Hits
Here's a few mid-week, spring is here, quick hits...
No Prayer day for the Dear Leader - "Obama to be prayer day no-show." The IBC asks, why should he? Gods don't pray.
The Dems newest junior senator - "Specter Will Be Junior Democrat on Committees." I can't believe the Democrats lied to him like this! I am outraged!
Environmentalist wacko nutjobs are trying (again) to better define the terms that describe the horrible things we're doing to the earth - "What Green Means."
Never letting a crisis go to waste - "Obama seeks $63 billion for world health."
An interesting article on my new favorite car company, Ford - "Ford Brings New Focus to Small-Car Market." I like it - just don't expect ME to buy one of those tiny, ugly, nasty, electric cars. I'll stick with my SUV.
And the BIG news...Collin Darrah is growing like a weed. Working on two teeth this week. He's now able to pull himself up and scoot himself down the length of the couch. Sometimes one-handed. Sometimes, one-handed while holding a small puppy and drinking a bottle. Okay, I made that last part up.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Bud Update
When last we left Bud, he was just a little guy. In the last week, things have really been popping. Take a look...
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| From Bud |
April 28, 2009
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| From Bud |
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| From Bud |
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| From Bud |
May 2, 2009
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| From Bud |
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| From Bud |
I'm guessing by next week, we'll see a few leaves. It's looking like Bud is going to sprout into about three leaves. Read more...
Pig Flu
Well, it looks like we might not all die from the pig flu after all. You see, the media can only keep the crisis simmering for at most a week, before it's time to evolve the story and find a new angle. Apparently, the new angle is that, uhhh, it's not much different from any other flu. Now there's a surprise.
Could it be that maybe, just maybe, the entire thing was hyped up so to become an opportunity to scare the bejesus out of people so that maybe they'd buy more newspapers, watch more TV news and demand action from the Dear Leader? All answers are pointing to 'yes.' Perhaps it was just a cabal by the medical supply company lobby so they could sell more medical face masks? :)
But just when it appears the story has been vastly over-hyed, we have a genius at the U.N. warning, the "second wave" could be worse! O-M-G! "THE SKY IS FALLING, THE SKY IS FALLING! Oh wait, it's not. BUT IT SURE COULD!! You should still be scared!" Give me a break, people.
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