Just Eliminate Lies: A Bootlegger's Tale

After the news broke this morning of Mary Culver's smoking, a transcript of a recent conversation from INSIDE the SUV of Iowa's first lady, has come into our posession. I feel obliged to print it below...It's for the children - and all those poor waitresses and bartenders who no longer have to work with the horrible effects of second hand smoke.

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MC: (Taking a long pull off her cigarette) Oh, gawd...These are the best Misty 120's ever!

Driver: *cough, hack, cough* You know, Mrs. Culver, you're not suppose...

MC: SHUT UP, JEEVES! Who do you think runs this state!

Driver: Ma'am - I'm an Iowa State Trooper and you are breaking the law.

MC: Whatever, Jeeves...write me a ticket. If you like your job, you'll shut the h#@* up!

*Phone rings*

MC: Hello? What!? Tell that big lug to get his fat a$% off the couch and take all his empty beer cans to the garage! If he would have got the 10 cent bottle deposit passed they would have been worth TWICE as much...I don't care if he doesn't have a clean shirt!...Have him do the dishes while he's at it.

*flip phone slams shut*

Driver: Mrs. Culver...it's getting a little smoky in here. Can we please crack a window?

MC: Son of a...will you shut up? All you've done, ever since we crossed the Missouri state line is complain. I'm out of smokes and I'm sure as heck not going to pay that outrageous Iowa cigarette tax!

*the buzz of a window going down and a man gasping for air can be heard*

Driver: Here we are, Mrs. Culver - the "Big Indian Cigarette, Liquor and Fireworks Emporium," just like every Tuesday.

MC: Northern Missouri is so disgusting this time of year. Why does anyone live here?

Driver: I'm not sure, ma'am.

MC: Wait here, Jeeves - and leave the Escalade running - I'm charging my iPod.

*sound of door slamming - 15 minutes passes - door opens*

Driver: Mrs. Culver, let me pop the back hatch - they'll fit better back there.

MC: For the last time, Jeeves, shut your donut hole. I had to stock up this week. Chet and I are heading to his parents for the holiday - and you know how he gets at Thanksgiving.

Driver: But ma'am - 15 cartons of cigarettes?

MC: Yeah, and two bottles of Wild Turkey, a case of Old Style and a gross of Black Cats - what's your point?

Driver: I guess, I don't have one.

MC: That's what I thought - Now let's make like Jim Nussle, and get the h$#* out of here.

*Tens minutes pass, the phone rings*

MC: What now!? Oh, hello Patty. What am I doing? Uh, I'm, uh..at a chamber of commerce ribbon cutting in Lamoni. Yeah, Lamoni. What Des Moines Register reporter? Huh? What do you mean she saw me smoking in a state vehicle? Son of a...well, I HAD quit - but that was only for the campaign. I've only smoked in the state Escalade once. That must've been when she saw me. Yeah, have Chet get his crayons out and start working on a press release. Okay, bye.

*Sound of cigarette being crushed out in the ashtray and liquor pouring*

MC: Boy, Jeeves...you've sure done it THIS time.

Driver: Excuse me, ma'am?

MC: Yeah, why didn't you do you job and stop me from smoking in a state vehicle? Huh? Just wait 'til the Register's done with you - you'll be lucky to find a job working third-shift security at that plant in Postville. Now, step on it!