One Spring Day...

I overheard a guy talking the other day on the phone to his wife or son…not sure. He was getting ready to build a deck. He was talking about how the lumber would be arriving the next day and that it was going to be delivered to the edge of their driveway.

The last thing he said to whomever was that he wants to have it moved into the garage until they could get it built so that the lumber wouldn’t get wet and so “some building inspector doesn’t drive by” and start snooping around.

I have nothing against building inspectors. I have nothing against building codes. What does bother me is that some guy, minding his own business, not hurting anybody, can’t have a pile of lumber sitting on his driveway without being afraid that some government bureaucrat is going to drive by and start asking questions…

Knock, knock, knock…POUND, POUND, POUND.

“Uh, yes…?”

“Hello. I am zee local Federal Building Code Complicance Coordinator for zheees sec-tor of Vest Des Moines. Vhile driving by, vee noticed that you seem to have a pile of lumber stacked in in your drivevay.”

“Uh, yeah. So?”

“Vell, vee seem to have a small problem. I’ve cross-referenced your name, address and phone number against zee Federal Building Code Compliance and Homeland Security Database and you don’t seem to have any Building Permission Authorization Permits pending. Are you avare of zis?

Uhhh…well, I guess, well, maybe I forgo…

Zis is just vhat I suspected! You vere planning on building an unauthorized, unapproved, free standing structure vithout zee approval of zee Federal Building Code Compliance Board! Vee have no other option zhan to confiscated zis lumber and report you to zee Federal Building Code Compliance Board Enforcement Agency. Vonce zheir done vith you, you von’t forget again.

This is crazy!

SILENCE! Under Article Tvelve of zee Federal Building Code Compliance, Security and Infrastructure Stabilization Act, you have zero right to speak! In fact, zee FBCCBEA is on its vay right now to come in and take a little look around. I have no doubt they vill find Rush Limbaugh presets on your radio, zee Drudge Report on your computer and a copy of zee Bill of Rights somewhere in zhis house!

Listen, Mister, I didn’t mean -

Silence, criminal! Zee Dear Leader, Barack Obama, has outlined a new federal program for people like you. If you like to build things so vell, vee have just zee right place for you. You like tropical islands? Vell, vee have just released all of the harmless, innocent terrorists from a little camp in Guantanamo Bay. Zhere is plenty of room for you zhere. Vee can use your strong back and construction skills to build zee new “Federal Building Code Compliance, Re-education and Security Detention Facility.” Ve’ll see how far your leetle Bill of Rights get you zhere.


Vonce ve’re done vith you, you’ll be more zhan ready to help build zee Dear Leader’s new Low Income Housing Casino and Resort. A very lovely place – right in zee heart of Detroit. Come along now!