The Diet Starts...Tomorrow

Yesterday I ate an entire large meat-lover’s pizza by myself. After a brief nap, I woke up and ate a GIGANTIC piece of that delicious Costco cake. The triple chocolate kind with that ridiculous layer of fudge in the middle. Later, I washed it all down by guzzling an entire two-liter of Pepsi. Then I burped.

Anne asked me what I was doing eating all that, and with a dramatic eye roll, I told her, “It’s okay. I’m going on a diet tomorrow. In fact, I’m going to sit down for a few hours and create a plan to cut my calorie intake in half.”

“You mean, half of what you should be eating, right?” she asked.

“No, of course not. Over the last several days, I’ve been eating around 10,000 calories per day. I’m going to create a plan that will help me cut this calorie intake in half.”

She shook her head. “That doesn’t make any sense. You were eating 3,000 calories and then started eating 10,000 calories…if you cut that in half, you’re still eating almost twice as much as you should be!”

“Oh, Anne. You’re naiveté is so cute. Technically, I guess, you’re correct. I was eating 3,000 calories. But I decided that was an artificially low number that unnecessarily forced me to sacrifice lifestyle and well being. I began eating 10,000 calories as, uh, um…a STIMULUS! A stimulus to make up for all of my past sacrifices. Now that I’ve been taking in all those calories, I understand it is unsustainable and that I must return to…caloric discipline. Therefore, I will create a plan to cut my calories in half.”

“You’re crazy,” she huffs. “When are you going to start cutting your calories in half?”

“Oh, I’m not going to cut my calories in half immediately. That would be much too painful. It’s going to be a process…I hope that once I begin the process – by drinking less water and eating fewer fruits and vegetables – I should be able to cut my calories in half in four years or so.  Yeah, that’s a good goal. Reduce my calorie intake by half to 5,000 calories per day in four years.  But, should times get tough and I feel the need to slip up, I'm considering purchasing calorie credits from those who are more disciplined than me.”

"Calorie credits?"

"Yeah, it's simple, really...If say, a couple years from now, I'm down to 6,500 calories per day (right on track) and a birthday party comes along, there's no need for me to sacrifice.  I'll purchase a "calorie credit" from a person who has eaten fewer calories, thus pulling my net calorie intake down, while still keeping the other person's diet on track.  It's a win-win, really." 

My diet starts tomorrow…or the next day.